Toxic Relationships: How They Occur and How to Gracefully Disconnect From Them

Every one of us has been hurt in this world.  We've all fallen down, made mistakes, hurt others, hurt ourselves.  None of us have escaped this experience of life without having sustained a bruised heart and broken trust.  Some of the worst wounds have occurred when those who are closest to us have abused, exploited or neglected us, even while claiming that they love us.  Instead of being pure and unconditional, love suddenly has strings attached.  The soft, sweet signals of love become entangled with and tainted by denser qualities, casting shadows of doubt and showers of despair.  

Most people are able to move through their struggles when proper attention is paid to their inner shadows of insecurity, self-doubt, anger, grief and resentment; however, there are some people that choose to not expend the time and energy it takes to clear out their wounds.  They may distract themselves with busyness, withdraw or go numb, hoping to hide from the pain and pretend everything is ok when it is not.  Walls may be built to protect the inner wound and the outer world becomes a competitive battle-ground. 

When Pain Turns Toxic

If an inner turmoil is "swept under the rug," the pain must go somewhere.  Sometimes the pain goes inward and the person suffers internally, masking their pain with mood enhancing medicines or mind-numbing drugs; their pain may be played off non-nonchalantly, often without the knowledge of others who are very close to them.  This can eventually manifest into auto-immune diseases, anxiety and/or depression, risky behaviors, alcoholism and avoidance behaviors (such as over-working).  If not properly contended, these coping habits will turn into seriously disabling conditions. 

Sometimes the pain goes outward and the person will lash out to those around them, targeting others to dispel their grief and angst.  We've all experienced having been around someone who is unpleasant.  Seemingly out of nowhere, we become the brunt of their "bad mood."  They criticize and judge, cajole then condemn.   It is likely the person is going through challenges in their life and they do not know how to properly deal with the emotions and thoughts that surface.  Some wounded people become caustic or sarcastic, demeaning or demanding. 

It is important to understand that people only fight or flee when they are in pain and do not know how to deal with it properly.  It may be a colleague or a supervisor, a friend or a stranger.  If it is someone with whom you feel no obligation or less of a personal connection, it may be easy to allow it to roll off your back, to simply turn and walk away from the bitter venom that arises; but if the person is a relative, a spouse or a close friend, you may feel duty-bound to stay and take the abuse, to try to help them by listening and offering suggestions, to stay in loyal contact with them because of cultural or personal expectation. 

This article is to help guide those loving, compassionate and empathetic souls who have long-suffered the sting and continuously bear the burden of another person's displaced wounds (directed intentionally or unintentionally upon them) and who have observed through time these continued patterns that the wounded person in their life has not been able or willing to take accountability for themselves and the harmful behaviors they exhibit.  

The wounded person seeks approval and sympathy from outside of themselves because they do not understand how to nourish themselves, and will continue to take it from others who are willing to give it to them.  This can be seen as the "poor me" syndrome whereby the wounded person recounts how horrible are their life circumstances and how unfair others have been to them.  This is a cry for sympathy and attention.  At the same time, the wounded person may often judge, criticize and condemn other people to a fault for their mistakes in order to point out how worthy they are in comparison.  This is the wounded ego at work crying for recognition through self-inflation by the degradation of others.  Both actions are dis-empowering.

The wounded person stays in their wounded place because they are enabled by others not to take accountability for their own care-taking and self-love. It is up to each individual to reclaim their power in the unbalanced relationship. When the enabler continues to allow the disabled to feed off of their energy or dump their refuse over the good-will of the other, the imbalance will make both people unhealthy unless the cycle is broken.  If what is shared and shown in love is not seen or ignored by the disabled and attacks continue, then one must remove themselves from the relationship until the wound is recognized and willingness to change the pattern is made manifest. The enabler must stand up for themselves by holding the dis-abler in loving accountability.

Riding Yourself From an Energy Vampire

At some point, you will recognize when it is time to curtail the relationship.  Here are some signs to recognize when you are at this stage:

• You are depleted whenever you are around this person.
• You do not enjoy their company but feel obligated to continue to keep them in your life.
• You stress out about their drama.
• You feel judged, dishonored and tricked by them.
• After spending time with them, you feel like you have been used, under-valued and under-appreciated.
• You hear them talking badly about you to others despite your best efforts of friendship and loyalty.
• They are paranoid about how you feel about them and seek constant reassurance.
• You keep hoping things will change in the dynamic of the relationship and continue to be disappointed.

It is a significant step to remove yourself from an energy-vampire especially if they have been in your life for many years.  The pattern of abuse has been worn thin by time and is so rote that it may be jolting to them when you finally stand up for yourself.  Do not second guess yourself when you decide to step back and cut the tendrils that tether you to them, despite your good heart.  It is not ok to be someone's punching bag,  no matter who they are in relation to you, no matter how sour their lives have gone or how abused they have been by others.

Here is an example of a letter I wrote a few days ago to someone who has shown decades of abusive patterns via control, judgement and belittlement, who has offered support and then changed their mind at the last moment as a power-play and was not willing to take accountability for their misdeeds against me and others. 

 Dear xxxxxx,
I write this letter with love.  It is very apparent to me that you are suffering ~ you have such bitterness, anger and judgement that rides heavily on  your heart and prevents you from having joy, levity and self-love.  When you speak to me with loathing, hatred for your life circumstances, judgement against me and so many others,  it is like poisonous darts or a vomitous mass you project.

Please know I have worked very diligently and very carefully in removing people from my life that are motivated by fear and guilt.  I only abide with those who are gracious, loving and compassionate.

Until you can work out some of the darkness that shadows your heart, shrouds it with malice and resentment toward me and others, I will not abide or tolerate any connection with you.

Please do not write or text or call me.  You are free to come and visit once you have cleaned yourself up <3

I do not need your judgement or your pity.  I most assuredly do not need your money or your time.

Best of luck!


Use this as a template, as you like, to help untangle yourself from anyone who misappropriates your goodness, tries to dis-empower you or tries to take away your dignity with guilt and oppression.  Please notice that, in the end, the door to the relationship is not completely shut, but boundaries are indeed set so that until the perimeters are met, the relationship will not continue.  There will be no space for argument, no more fuel for the fire to continue.  Do not engage with them until they acknowledge their mistakes and make the real effort to change these deep-seated patterns of abuse and exploitation.  It is entirely possible that the wounded person may never want to take accountability for themselves in this life. Be willing to accept that you've done all that you can and now it's their turn to master the strength to heal themselves.